What is your Background?

Yo Ren


Tell em where you from!


Straight outta Compton, another crazy ass nigga

More punks I smoke, yo, my rep gets bigger

I’m a bad motherfucker and you know this

But the pussy ass niggaz don’t show this

But I don’t give a fuck, I’ma make my snaps

If not from the records, from jackin or craps

Just like burglary, the definition is ‘jackin’

And when illegally armed it’s called ‘packin’


Damn that shit was dope!

O’shea Jackson / Lorenzo Jerald Patterson / Andre Romell Young / Eric Wright


Today I learned that “packing”, in our weird and wonderful times, can have another meaning for those claiming to be trans male. You can even “pack and play”. I wonder what do the woke brigade and the purveyors of vagina scented candles make of N.W.A. or Niggaz Wit Attitudes?

Are they taboo?

People can get easily offended. I have a t-shirt like this and it does from time to time attract attention usually from black people.


People can be very concerned about where people come from and what is their background. I can say with accuracy that I have not been employed by a recognised organisation for more than six weeks in the last seventeen years. My background is as an unemployed person who did some private teaching of “A” level physics and chemistry for about five years. I have been retired for a few years now and live in rural Brittany.

If I were to apply for a job, this is what a prospective employer would see first listed chronologically on my CV or application form. Anything else is “ancient” history.

In academia it is customary to say who your Ph.D. supervisor was, as depending, this can give an aura of kudos.

We did a course “Ph.D. to Professional” at Cambridge University when asked to introduce themselves they all said, “I am in the Bloggs group” and then some extremely jargon laden title about their Ph.D. subject. Their identity seemed to be tied to the research group supervisor. I had never heard of any of their supervisors as I am not a biologist, so it meant nothing to me.

But just like for the guys from Compton, it seems important to have a “rep” in modern society.

Because I lead an itinerant childhood when people ask me where I am from. I tend to pause. “Nowhere” is a tricky answer. They don’t really want chapter and verse, so I say Cardiff, even though I only lived there for my first two years.

One cannot say. “I am an individuating identity cleaved off from and out of the source of all life. I am incarnate here on the physical plane to learn. Thence to follow the journey of the prodigal, home to my father’s house from whence I came.”


If somebody asked you, what is your background and where are you from, how would you answer them?

Would you give a short off pat socially-conditioned answer?

Or would you endeavour to answer what, in truth, is a very probing question?

Victory Over and Revenge

It seems to me that I must again turn to discussing what may be termed the “Dark Side” which will point me into discussing the incarnate human vampires who use others, suck them dry metaphorically and then discard them willy-nilly. These vampires generate “familiars” who are loyal and deny the fact that they are being bled. They, the familiars, defend the vampire and are blind to their faults, even demonstrating a kind of worshipping sycophancy.

Last night in my dreams I had an encounter with someone who is roughly the same age as me and who is now very senior in UK university management. One of the problems inherent in seeing through people, is that although you can see the truth clearly the skilled manipulator lays no trail of acceptable proof for the less perspicacious. I knew right from the get-go that this individual who pretended to be welcoming and have my best interests at heart was in fact more of an “enemy” as things are judged in the common socio-political construct. He would feign support and imagine that his machinations were hidden. He was/is a duplicitous individual keen only on self-advancement. He made himself “popular” as cover. Anyway, this dream suggests that although he badly wanted me gone, he could not execute this because he wanted some association with the kudos or stardust that I once had. He was in two minds.

The title victory over and revenge does not at first pass seem dark. This is because it is socially acceptable to want to win and beat another. Getting even or getting revenge is also seen commonly to be a good and gloating thing amongst common mores. These two are major plot staples in the entertainment industry. The revenge movie is a saleable franchise and can be found on all sides.

Wisdom suggests that an eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind, yet bitter green bile seeks the complete execution of bloody and considered revenge. Revenge is a dish best served cold is an idiom which appeals to the bitter, angry, and the vengeful. The desire to get “one over” burns strong in the “hearts” of the self-diagnosed “wronged”. Some people have a truly massive chip on their shoulder and see wrongs on all sides because obviously the entire world is out to get them. They are so very important after all.

I have participated in competitive sports including martial arts sparring and rugby. On occasion I have been “victorious” in these. My motivation was never to “beat” the opponent convincingly and triumphantly. It was nearly always to test the application of my skills. In a team context and playing front row rugby being an arrogant arsehole is unwise. When you have someone in a judo choke hold, it is good to listen attentively for them to tap out before unconsciousness sets in. It is not a motivation of mine to strive for a gloating “victory over” others. I can recognise this motivation in others. It is fairly common.

Some people get a boner or go all damp over high positions in league tables.

I think it fair and accurate to say that I am much less prone to thoughts of vengeance and scoring points than most. For some getting one over, getting revenge is a very strong motivation. The language of revenge is often used in sports reporting. “X will avenge their defeat.”

As I have mentioned above when you can see through people you may observe what is hidden to others. For example, when I have been frank with someone, I have noted that they are pissed off with me and have seen a mental note being written, “I will get you for this {you bastard}.” Sure enough as time has passed they have sought to cash the get even cheque and I have been fully aware that this has been “in play”. It has been obvious.

There is a peculiar ancient and punitive nature behind revenge, lasting back to the Abrahamic dispensation and beyond. Punishing one “sin” with another seems de rigueur. It is common practise to kill someone for murder. Death penalties, although advocated as deterrent, rarely are in the heat of the moment. Such behaviour, murder for murder, is illogical.

I am aware that from time to time, people have considered me a threat. A threat to their “position” in the pecking order of the hen house. I myself have not striven for first peck at the corn nor for shagging rights. But others have imagined that I sought to win becoming dominant and top dog. As a consequence, many have tried to beat me, bring me down, undermine and otherwise belittle me. It has seemed to be important that they win and at my expense. People can be very insecure.

You can make your own mind up if I am an arrogant vane dickhead or not. The above is a cool detached assessment on my part.


How important are victory over and revenge as motivators in your world?

Are you obsessed by these notions?

Towards Freedom – Power

It may seem a little out of place to start discussing power in the context of freedom and equanimity, but it is necessary. Until you have more than a notion of your relationship to power and with power, it is difficult to have balance. Power of course has many meanings, there are many types of power and it comes in all shades. There is power in the sense of dominance, power in the sense of ability, power in knowledge and power as in material plane enforcement. Power is a vast topic itself. Some people have power, that can be positional or organisational power, it can be personal power, it can be muscular power or sexual power. There is the saying that power corrupts, though it need not, it often does. Humanity has a bit of a thing for and about societal power; it has a status hang up.

If you wield power in the sense of political or corporate power, it is unlikely that you will have equanimity and peace. This is because people are so often fighting for power. Even if your powerful position is secure, by the very nature of that position you will be required to make decisions. Those decisions are a responsibility of positional power and rarely do they come with serenity and peace. It is not the fate of most people to learn what high positional power means and those so called are in for a bit of a tough time. All societies have leaders, and these are of varying ability and quality. Some seek power with a thirst. And it is many that are so drawn who end up abusing power. Power has many traps associated for those drawn to it.

In the context of freedom, it is useful to figure out what has power over you and then adjust that situation. Things that have power over you can be as simple as arachnophobia. If a simple spider makes you come out in a sweat, then you are not free of spiders. A tiny creature can evoke a massive drama. It is not the spider’s fault, it is your reaction. For whatever reason you have a fear and a drama associated in your mind with spiders. Chances are this is disproportionate. Few spiders attack humans just because there is nothing better on the TV to watch. People have hang ups about a host of things and this restricts their liberty. Anything which can evoke drama upsets balance.  If small creatures have power over you, then what does that say about your level of mental control and balance?

Similarly, because of co-dependency, there are many people who have power over you. Some will go out of their way to manipulate you into a dependency and if you are so oriented you might even seek such people out, whether consciously or not. There are a multitude of buttons available to others for the pressing of. If at the pressing of a button off you trot into drama, then that button and the finger thereupon, have power over you. It can evoke drama and lack of control, you are off balance and flailing around. It is in this dependency and co-dependency that people give their power away to others. If you want to be free, then you do not need other beings having emotional power over you.

Many of the things that have power over you are to be found in the truck load of baggage which most adults carry with them. There may be shame, wounds, ambitions, unresolved conflict, grudges, guilt, vengeance, fear, unrequited love etc… The list is often long and until you have clarity on where the button comes from, it will stand proud and beckoning. It is in unpacking the baggage and by examination that one can begin to understand and slowly loosen the power over which is held. To be relatively free of buttons is to have more freedom generally. One is not beholden to the past and the narratives of it, which if we bear in mind the likelihood of selective perception are in any case often inaccurate. Memories and history are prevalent members of the set of buttons which are the indicators of something that has power over.  A skilled manipulator can spot these a mile off and press them at will.

If you seek freedom, then you must defend it. This may sound ever so slightly bellicose, but one has to fight to extract oneself from situations in which things, people and ideas have power over you. The past has power over most and reorienting the past in such a manner as to be free of it, is no easy task. The common dream advertises that building memories for your dotage is a good thing, but who can really live in a sepia or rose-tinted world? It is not real. It is imagined and unreliable of recall. To build “memories” is to never be free of them. This is perhaps slightly radical but do consider this. If you live in a mish mash recollection of the past, what do you make of the present, if you even notice it all? To be bound thus, is to not experience the now.

I have used bound, shackles and manacles already in this text, emotive words of slavery and imprisonment. It is up to you to figure out if I am by metaphor over egging the pudding. Until the duvet of illusion is pulled off, there is a cosy familiarity which can seemingly be justified.

Of course, in any material society there will be people and organisations that have temporal power over the circumstances of your life. Short of going off into the wild, this will always be the case. The freedom of complete anarchy is not currently possible in large society, this need not impinge overly on your state of mind, your mental freedom. One can see it for what it is, do the minimum necessary to be a “good” citizen and not feel overly oppressed by the apparatus of state. Within this framework it is possible not to succumb to ideological power over. People will do whatever they do, they will think whatever and opine ad infinitum. None of this need impact on your own equanimity. One does not have to agree, or argue or succumb. If your own mind is clear it is not overly perturbed by the folly and behaviours of others. Unless they are directly intent on harming or manipulating you, they are not direct threats. In keeping your centre, you can rise above it. If you cannot resist the pull of hive or herd mind, then it has power over you, which means you are not yet free of it.

As you begin to see though your own façade, understand your self and get close to your true nature, you will be acquiring power in the sense of knowledge. That knowledge pertains not only to you as a being but to other beings. This knowledge then opens up choices, possibilities for you which were hitherto not available, you have more personal power and more freedom. Freedom is in your choice as to how you respond to whatever life throws at you. There will be a reduced rigidity and an enhanced flexibility of living. With more personal power comes the temptation to exploit that power and perhaps use situations and others to your “advantage”. With all growth in personal power comes temptation. In the absence there are few choices. When there is a plethora of choices available some will not be life enhancing. If you are so inclined, you may use your personal power to exert power over others. As alluded to above that way is not freedom. How can one be free if one enslaves? It is not possible.

I have briefly touched on power here. Learning to handle new found personal power is a part of the walk to freedom. Keeping oneself grounded and developing humility offsets the temptation of power, which can enslave. In this sense knowledge is power which without wisdom and discernment can be a dangerous thing.